Talking About This Will Help Me Write More
Hey.
It's been a little bit.
I'm sorry about that.
When you are someone who is trying to find your creative voice and at the same time are staring down the inevitability of college ending, the reality of your situation can hit you like a fucking train.
Never mind if you have other things going on in your brain that make trying to be creative incredibly challenging. But I know, as I've gotten older, that I truly am not alone.
I have depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder, and I'm far from the only person trying to make my name with words who deals with feelings of inadequacy. A lot of people are familiar with the symptoms of two of those, and if you aren't familiar with the third, you should seek out reputable sources to talk about it. I would go into it, but it's not my place, I'm just a kid who likes to yam about sports.
It is not the purpose of this blog and any subsequent media to get hired by Barstool Sports unless they happen to come across the right joke about me hating myself that KFC Radio picks me up as an intern, because I don't really think I'm that funny. Do I WANT to work there someday? Of course, I do, they've brought me incomprehensible amounts of laughter during a period of my life that has been very up and down other than that.
When Jeff D. Lowe posted his blog telling his story about his journey with mental illness, including BPD, I felt a level of relief I couldn't explain or imagine. I got to see someone who, like me, has experienced some of those same feelings, but was doing some of the coolest shit in the company. Between the Dozen Trivia, Surviving Barstool, and his constant work on Lights, Camera, Barstool, JDL's work ethic is legendary within the company and to fans that are familiar with the inner workings.
I was posting like a mad person when I started this website, mostly focusing on those NBA team previews, interspersed with concert talk and me admitting that I am a Lions fan. Does my fandom of them contribute to my depression? I don't know, but I've been here long enough that I can't really back out now.
I can see the number of views on every piece that I post, and I think that is both a very good thing and a very bad thing. Not dissimilar to any other social media, seeing those numbers going up and down can have a big effect on your mental health, usually without you even realizing it.
When I saw them decreasing, it made me want to give up on the project entirely, even if I hadn't even been at it a month. When I think about that, it's kind of crazy that my brain can push me to those drastic levels when a blog goes from 12 views to 6.
It's really, really normal for people in any creative to discipline to feel like just because their offerings haven't been noticed or purchased by some larger entity. Whether you write, make music, do stand-up comedy, make art, anything, you have likely felt this feeling before.
I've also lost many friends to mental illness over the years, and have been pushed to incredibly dark places in my young life, that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but being able to acknowledge some of those feelings helps you move beyond them. When you understand what put you in that headspace, even if it's nothing you can control, it can (hopefully) help you out of some of those places.
It’s also no secret that a list of my heroes includes guys like Anthony Bourdain and Jerry Garcia, so I can lean in the direction of some good self-destructive tendencies, no question.
This blog is me making a commitment to myself, and to anyone out there who feels the same way that I do in their creative process. We have to start someday, and it's really easy to say it'll be tomorrow because something happened today that makes you have to push it.
I'm going to write a blog every day for as long as I have something to talk about in the world of sports, or music, or movies, or whatever I feel like talking about that day because I feel better when I write. Not to get hired, or to get noticed, or anything like that, but because it helps me communicate the noise in my brain associated with some of these illnesses.
People at Barstool who've honestly helped me through some of those trying times is a long, long list, but Jeff D. Lowe, the whole KFC Radio team but especially Nick Hamilton for serving as a great example of the work required to make it, Stu Feiner, and the whole PMT crew deserve big props.
Stay tuned for Celtics/Bulls talk tomorrow, followed by who knows what!
I love you. You're strong. Keep creating.
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